GTOC Blog #5 The Shut Down Effect, perfected by leprechauns, fairies....and me!!! V xo

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

 I have a tendency when topics upset me to go quiet until I am able to deal with them on a nice, firm or maybe comical level. At home we call it "the shut down".  I despise screaming, it is undignified & hurts my throat. I don't believe in forcing my will on others, so after I have stated my opinion once, at the most twice, it's time to stop.  Other times, granted, I am too busy, by life choice & necessity.....so if I cannot immediately stop what I am doing, and I do try to accommodate, perhaps I really do have urgent business that I cannot ethically be deterred from.

To keep up necessary open communications, teenagers and I have taken up texting.  A lot of texting.  Thank goodness for unlimited texting plans.  We can have conversations that last the extent of my work day away, similarly to them coming to my home office, asking a question of me and then heading out with the answer (minus the loving hugs after).  I find the benefits rewarding in that, they don't expect an immediate answer because I will wait till I am not with a client to respond.  I can document that I did give them their list of chores by the text msgs sent and received history....so far we have not required that one, but knowing it is there creates truthful responses....the best bonus for a single mom is that I am kept in personal individual contact during the good, bad and the ugly lives of my beautiful teens and they can feel the security of where I am at all times.

The only major downfall is that texting can be impersonal.  Shortened sentences can feel like quip responses.  Emotional dilemas are best left for face to face conversations, at the appropriate time.....hence "the shut down"

I enjoy every type of personality as friends, family, aquaintances, co-workers....strangers. Knowing this, I encounter a multitude communication methodoligies within these multitudes of personalities.  Somehow, I manage to respect their personal communication methodologies.....I respect those who talk a lot & I listen,....I respect those who talk a little but need to be listened to,  I respect those who are bold & brag by not challenging their vision of their worlds.....as long as you are not harming anyone.....I respect when and how and what you wish to communicate.

The problem with "the shut down" is NOT that I will never give a response, because I do when it can be communicated on a mutually respectable level.  The real problem with "the shut down" is that I am very often disrepected in that because my personal communication methodology will not examplify indignities, screaming or forcing my will on others and "the shut down" methodology or shall I call it "delayed" methodology completely infuriates those who would disrespect me with their indignities, screaming & forcing of will on others type of communications.  Not simply infuriates, fuels the fires.

So here's the deal....I don't know a lot of "shut down" people.  Most people I know like to jump into "the fray"....not that there is anything wrong with that (my Seinfeldian of the day) however, I choose not to.  And I maintain a permanent strength in that position.

Show me a safety issue and my kids will attest to the fact that I will walk in, take over, fix it and walk out.  Afterall I want you in my life tomorrow too! or I wouldn't have wanted you in my life today.

In my life I choose to be happy.  Since I have made this conscious choice my heart has allowed an immediate response to the unhappiness I witness, as in children of Nampula Africa and after 20 years of being unable, I learned to cry again.

In my life I choose to be happy.  I recognize great pains within my friends, my community & my world.  If you choose to YOU CAN FIX IT.  Even if it is within baby steps....a  little at a time.  Your heartfelt strengths will carry it into flights of leaps and bounds.

And you know what, life is hard!  But like the true Irish Lassie my father raised to always find the twinkle in her eye.....so freakin what!!! ......a hot toddy, an random irish canter & a twinkle of leprechan mischief in your eye....over a "shut down" "time out" and You'll be bouncing back on the positive side of the green grass sooner than if you dig your own unhappy sorrow filled muddy hole and jump in.....Vxo

GTOC Blog #4 Oh those Rose Colored Glasses have me under Their Spell.... V xo

 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Tonight, I realize....it has been a tremendously long day at work and yet I feel as though I have accomplished nothing.  Too tired to blog.....maybe....however I can't be if here I am typing on the topic that has circled my brain pan most of the day....points of view.

I am often "accused" of seeing the world through rose colored glasses & wings on my feet, like perhaps it is a bad thing...what is so terrible about it?....I cannot find the answer.....but I can tell you I know many, many people who talk to me everyday so that their grey colored glasses and their cement booted feet, feel a lift in their spirits.  Did they ever think that maybe sometimes I chat with them because I revel in their ability to cut through the "compost" ?

There is no right and no wrong in your point of view.  It is your personal choice how you choose to view your world.....after all it is YOUR world!....it really all boils down to......what do you DO with your world?

Here is a run down of my day....sometimes I am successful in affecting someone,....most days I do try....some days I am unsuccessful....and some days I don't try hard enough.

Nighttime....steam bath....I still draw hearts in the mirror....because the "loving" smudge will still be there in the morning when I really don't want to get ready for work.

I lay in bed with my eyes on the stars.....they were different yesterday.....remember the star girl story you wrote for Cassie?....all about a mom wanting a little girl so badly and a little star girl lonely & simply wanting a mom....with Cassie away at school...it's how I feel for the second time in my life....lonely for my Cassie....and then I realize she has taken flight,...I am not envious I am proud....and I see her beautiful eyes twinkle at me from the stars in the heavens above.....

5 am.....my mind wakes up....long before my eyes will open.....I lay there calculating how many times I awoke through the night, upset  that I didn't get enough work done through the day.....I pray to St Theresa and fall back asleep lightly, sweetly....so that when my eyes open.....it is to the mother and her fawn tenderly making there way along the treeline of my forest.....I've never given them names....they never stay long or return often enough......Scamp the coyote with hardly any fur, digs at my compost....hungry.....he's a scavenger....he eyes' Jack Hawk dive by my window for his morning meal rabbit shakedown.....Scamp knows Jack will never drop a meal...but he eyes him all the same.

I shuffle into the bathroom to brush my teeth and see my smudged heart drawn on the mirror from the night before....with a secret smile most worthy of Wendy from my all time favorite Peter pan movie....I set my goal for the day......"today I will Marry Gerard Butler"....I am exhausted....but smiling....what a goal that would be!!!  Why not aim big???? It sure is better than aiming too low!!!

Ry Cooder the cat accosts me as I open the bedroom door and descend to the kitchen.  He picks one claw to poke me with as I boil water for coffee....the poke says " I am really a dog...scratch me like you mean it!!"

First two teenagers are out the door with massive hugs and kisses....a few from each...I must look tired...they worry.....they shouldn't ...it's there love that revs me filled with energy for another day.

And then June Bug finds me.....our dog that no one loved....is so very loved here, I cannot understand why every morning she acts like she is so excited, she jumps, she dances, she farts like it is the first experience ever known to mankind....Like it's the first time any one has loved her, she wags her tail so hard her bum sways and she knocks herself over. I try to be firm in her training and cannot stop hugging and kissing her....thanking God we found her....then in her excitement she pees on the floor and swishes her long tail through it and sprays it everywhere!!!  Oh boy....daily clean up #1!!!

Gaby finally is dressed, fed, lunch made, boots, hat, scarf, mittens, ski jacket & back pack.....with a sparkling "I love you Mom" he races down the driveway with the "bat boy" swagger flinging his cape (back pack) from side to side on his latest adventure....he epitomizes my story of Gabriel Gunderflumps! 

I head back to my room and check my emails again.....so many to answer while I get ready for my work day....it's good....some days women find me that need help....some days women find me that can help me in my GTOC efforts.

I look over  my shoulder to see Jack Hawk rise high in the sky with his breakfast....he drops a tiny morsel as a teaser to Scampy Coyote....come back tomorrow......the cast and crew will be early.....try to be early enough to catch your own breakfast....and he soars into the forest.

I leave for work and pull up next to some young lady crying in her car......I am singing "you are beautiful" by Christine Agulaira.....I am a horrible singer....but the girl looks in my direction and I smile  I don't ask why she's crying....I simply smile and remind her.....ALL of life is not so bad......I can smile, because all morning life smiled on me....in my rose colored glasses point of view. .... V xo

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GTOC Blog #3 Remembering Those Supervisor's you Respected, Life Lessons Learned.

 

Saturday, January 21, 2012

 Throughout life we learn many, many lessons.  They teach us to be who we are.  They teach us not to be who we once were.  They teach us to strive to become like that person we admire.

Today I had a performance meeting with my supervisor of one of my many jobs.    Throughout my previous structured employments I had become quite accustomed to raving reviews and recommendations for advancement.  Hard worker, eager, high achiever, intellectually & physically ...were standard adjectives for my work performances.  I knew this would not be the case today as I entered the meeting room with a joke to my supervisor inquiring as to whether this was where they kept the ruler to slap our wrists with.  This was not the level of job to which I have been accustomed and it's affect on me, while knowing I was learning key negotiation skills, anger management skills, confrontational skills, ....I was allowing the grey matter of the life of these we were to aid to injure my usually positive outlook on live and love of life.

In past I have not had positively memorable experiences with supervisors of the female gender.  It seemed they were eager to prove a powerful point and required the words "bitch" noted as highly as the achievement of their university degree.  Throughout the years I have sworn that until I could accomplish the goal of supervisor, manager, boss, without the "bitch" degree designation,....I would not even attempt the role.  The norm at that time would progress as such.....yes I am nice.....and yes you may walk all over me.  I knew it would take time for me to be ready.

Of the recent year, I believed that I had reached that level of self confidence through my beliefs in GTOC and other's beliefs in my efforts through GTOC,  that allowed me to supervise with a degree in nice, fair but firm.  Today, I learned a life lesson.  My supervisor was simply real.  We sat, we discussed pros and cons of the position, of my role within the position and life lessons.  She did not attempt the "power trip" role with the "bitch" designation.  And as I sat in the tiny little meeting room with her and the wobbly table we both sat forward to support, I realized that she was a sample of the type of supervisor, manager, boss, I respect....and because she is just that....I have learned a deeper respect for my position within the company,....in a job that whether I stay or not....that will be completed with a higher respect in accomplishment for my duration within.

I have held many humble positions in life, knowing I could achieve more, however life's lessons had not taught me the confidence to take those steps of achievement.  In retrospect, today's employment review brought me back to a life lesson reality and I took the last 20-30 years into review on my long drive home to Rose Hall:
1.  By the time I was 19 I realized all those years of holding a lantern for my dad while he worked on the car, were the most precious moments with him I desired to relive, especially now that he is gone.
2.  That as teenagers, we don't make amazing decisions.  We are meant to fail repeatedly & learn from those errors so that we will make better decisions for some of us in our 20's, some of us in our 30's and the rest of us...yes like me, in our 40's.
3.  I learned that German's are precise between requests for toast & croissants as well as  coffee & cafe au lait.
4.  I learned that no matter how loud I sang on the hills of Austria....I would NEVER sound like Julie Andrews .... :((
5.  I learned that Italian Police have NO sense of humour.....don't ask!!!
6.  I learned that not all men are bad.....neither are all women.....but don't stay friends with them, or married to them, if they are.
7.  I learned that children everywhere in our world are given to us in trust from God....to care for, yours, mine or theirs.....to care for.
8.  I learned being a mom is my most precious & meaningful job in life.  And as such, will make me strive to be better at my job every living moment.
9.  I learned that a glass of the perfect wine with the perfect food shared with a wonderful gentleman were moments to hold close to your heart in every lonely "ever after" moment.
10.  And I learned that while I will never be perfect....I will never stop trying.....because our lives are beautiful, poor, rich, starving, abundance.....all are beautiful .... and all of us can make a difference in someone's life and the other day I was asked why?.....my only response was.....because I can.

A special thank you today to people out there like my supervisor.  Thank you for being real.  Thank you for making a difference....just because you can. .... V xo

GTOC Blog #2 Thankful for the painfilled and love filled Mother / Daughter Bond

I have had an abundance of time to day to review today's topic in my mind.  I have wanted to blog about Mother's and Daughter's however wasn't quite decided on how to broach the subject.  Mother's and Daughter's have a special bond.  Not to diminish the mother/son relationship or the father/daughter relationship.  I simply believe the Mother/Daughter relationship is as unique as are the others.

I am no holds barred entirely in complete admiration of my Mother.  It's a detail I never omit from my daily thoughts, discussions, prayers.  I proudly reveal to all, I have never had a harsh word with my Mother.  I couldn't.
I have however allowed myself to be drawn away from my Mother, avoided her for years, pushed her away, blamed her for my own misguided decisions....disappointed her, I know in essence, I broke her heart.....then the exact moment I called to her "Mom, I need you...." she was there.  She didn't "fix" everything for me....instead she reminded me of all the strengths she had taught me.  It has been a journey the past 8 years relearning those strengths and my Mom has been by my side most days,....foot to my behind some days too.

So here I am....a Mom.   I remember the exact second I conceived each child born and each child lost.  We start by building a brick wall around our children.  It's a solid brick wall.  3 bricks thick with barely a spacer for air.  We are the protectors.  As they begin their adventures into the world with their first steps, we pull back some bricks....thickness of the wall remains, but we allow more spacers.  Room to expand horizons, till the day comes when we have to put wheels on the brick wall.  So that everywhere they go....and boy do they go!!!!  We can protect them.  We fight for them.  We heal them.  We give everything of ourselves to them, ....because we are teaching them to fly...like we know how to fly......and one day whether we are ready or not.....they beginning kicking at the brick wall.  Some days with a little pic ax, some days with a jack hammer.  It hurts.  It is nothing less than painfilled.  They don't see our pain....their faces are to the sky....they desire flight!  Their only focus is flight.....their only goal is to soar!  We remember that feeling.....the desire,....the release.....the full expansion of our wings.....and we want that for our children....yes.....we tear down that brick wall knowing we did our absolute best.   We instilled our faith, our love, our strengths, our SAFETY RULES for safe takeoffs and landings!!!  We soar with them as they fly, and we cry with them "as we watch them build those brick walls around themselves in an attempt to feel that protection we still hold in our hearts for them.  We bravely try to tell them to throw away the bricks...."you cannot soar with bricks around you"....they cannot see us cry at night, feeling their pain,...they cannot see our hearts smile as we feel their freedom of flight, strength of character & love of God.

It is then that we reminisce of the love of our Mother's arms.  The safety of our own brick walls.  The pain of separation and somehow our Mother's knew to keep a small portion of that brick wall standing so we could return now and again to feel it's protection and strength.  We wonder how our Mother's withstood the pains we unknowingly caused them and we understand the strength of her love as she watched us fly.

As Mother's we are going to have to witness our daughter's flight, our daughter's pains, our daughter's struggles and yes we are going to have to let them do all these three in solo one day...because we taught them well.

We are NOT perfect....in fact some of us are so much less perfect than others.  And our daughter's are not perfect....even though in our eyes ...yes they are.  The Mother & Daughter relationship is a wall building and wall ripping down event of magnaminous proportions.  (if that is actually a word it describes this well)  This building and demolishing is done together, sometimes daily, sometimes after 20 years apart.

The beauty of the the Mother/Daughter relationship is eventually the daughter says "Mom, I need you....".....and eventually the Mother says "Daughter, I need you..." and the protective brick wall with all it's holes and shattered bricks remains strong because it was built on the love, faith & hope of a Mother and a Daughter.....

...today however was one of those days when the brick wall was under destruction of dynamite, TNT, jack hammers and lava (of course because lava melts rock!!!!).....so my son and I  (important Mother/Son relationship moment) discussed life on this planet, in the dining room, huddled in front of our little fireplace, over a deep glass of red wine and lots of motherly hugs. ..... Vxo